THE ONION’S GUIDE TO MARATHON TRAINING

Just so we don’t take ourselves too seriously, here’s The Onion’s running advice:

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Quit your job
Hire a personal trainer to make sure you’re training as expensively as possible
Make sure you have a pair of new, comfortable running clogs
Familiarize yourself with the course ahead of time so you’ll know how to direct ambulances to your location
Carbo-load with plenty of pasta the night before you consider entering a marathon
Try to run at least once before race day
Staying hydrated is important, so be sure to drink plenty of bodily fluids
Bear in mind that cramps are a signal you are about to die
Visualize your success and how good it will feel to accomplish something hundreds of other people will accomplish before you that day
Driving 26.2 miles is also an accomplishment of sorts
Be sure to check with your doctor whether you have any health problems that could give you any excuse whatsoever not to do this

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About horowitzrun

Jeff is a certified running, cycling, and triathlon coach, and is the author of "My First 100 Marathons" (Skyhorse Press 2008) and "Smart Marathon Training" (Velo Press 2011). An obviously addicted runner, Jeff has run at least one marathon in every state and on 6 continents, including marathons in South Africa, China, Bangkok, and Antarctica. Jeff is available for group, one-on-one, and virtual coaching. Options include: 1. Basic Training Plan. This includes a customized training schedule geared towards a goal race, with a detailed running schedule that would include all distances and target times for each workout, including speedwork, tempo, and endurance sessions. 2. Complete Fitness and Race Plan. This includes the plan listed above, plus the non-running workouts and drills that runners need for better overall fitness and performance. You would get strength & core workouts, as well as run-specific training drills and stretches. 3. Virtual Coaching. This includes all of the above, implemented on a week-by-week basis. We review each week's progress at week's end so that adjustments can be made. The program is tailored to suit you right up to race day. It involves more contact, on a weekly or even daily basis. 4. Full Coaching for athletes in the Washington DC area. All of the above, plus a weekly workout together including speedwork, drills, and strength training. 5. Individual track sessions. One-on-one track-based workouts. Contact Jeff for pricing.
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